Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
