So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
