Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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