yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
