Your dad touched me again.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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