She said her name was "party"
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
