So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
