I accidentally burped into my bong.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
