Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
