So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We have started to decorate penises.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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