i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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