I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
whose parrot is this?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
