we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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