so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize