She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
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Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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