she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
