That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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