soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
