I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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