I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
