He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
