my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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