Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
