I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
