Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
