she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
