I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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