So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
