I should be sponsored by Trojan
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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