How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
