Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We need to get me chipped asap
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
