dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
They took my balls.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
