You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
