Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
