What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
