More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
