nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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