Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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