I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
