Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
