My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
