just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you bring me the toilet please
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
