i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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