Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
