Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
