At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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