I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old