I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
