id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
