Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
did i just pee glitter
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
