I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
