Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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