yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
