he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
