I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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