happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
