Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
