My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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