Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
