I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
