just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
