Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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